Wherever I Might Be
by Atsureki
Summary: Sometimes we do stupid things because of love. Shuichi hides something from Yuki that fate turns into hell for both of them... COMPLETE
1. The Beginning Of The End

I like you to take into consideration that I haven't actually seen the series yet *pouts* But when I do I'll either correct my mistakes or simply delete the whole thing. And of course I don't own these characters, someone else does and I make no money what so ever from this. Please don't sue me I'm poor enough as it is! *sniffle*

Warnings: Shonen-ai, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide.

Notes: Okay a few things here. This story takes place a little more than five years after Yuki and Shuichi first met so most things that seem OOC can probably be explained with that, at least in my head. Time changes people and people changes people… The disease I use in this fic is sticking to the truth as far as possible, however I have probably hurried up some things with it. Now a few of the outcomes are very unusual today due to the progress in treatments but since I'm a writer I've taken the liberty of simply ignoring that. And if you thought I would just give you the disease in question you are so wrong *hehe*. The same goes for other medical stuff that appears. I've tried to keep it as close to reality as I can but I'm only human. 

What else? Ah of course. Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible. 

And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*

Oh dear I better let you start reading now um if you're still with me??? *pokes* Sorry for babbling so much… *shuts up*

WHEREVER I MIGHT BE

Chapter 1. The Beginning Of The End

Yuki Eiri looked around his apartment and took another drag from his cigarette. It was almost dawn and he still hadn't gone to bed. Actually he hadn't been near his bed for two days but the tiredness he felt didn't come from lack of sleep. His laptop hummed faithfully infront of him but he hadn't touched it in months, he just turned it on to have something to stare at. The desk was littered with empty cigarettepacks and beercans. Slowly the novelist closed his eyes and with sadness he pondered over the last year of his life. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
A year ago…  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A loud voice cut through the air as a young man bounced through the dark apartment.   
"YUKI!" he screamed and more or less threw himself at his lover. The taller man rolled his eyes and almost smiled.   
"Shuichi, you'll wake up the whole building if you don't calm down," the novelist muttered but he still hugged the body pressed against his.   
"Sorry Yuki. I forgot how late it is," the bundle of energy whispered before he started coughing. "I hate being sick." Eiri ran his hand through pink hair.   
"You really shouldn't be singing when you have that cough," he stated softly.   
"I know but we need to finish the album this week so the cough will have to wait." Yuki rolled his eyes again.   
"Make yourself some tea and I'll be out as soon as I've finished this chapter," the blonde said before gently freeing himself from the genki mass of pink that he had in his lap.   
"Okay," Shuichi agreed and trotted out of the small room. If he had known from the beginning that Shuichi would have left him alone to get his work done in peace if he had just asked nicely, things would probably have been a whole lot easier. Five years ago Yuki had acted diffrently towards his younger lover but time had managed to break down parts of the wall surrounding him. Eiri wasn't the only one who had changed over the years. The vocalist had become tougher and had actually calmed down a little, only a tiny bit but it still meant that the world had become a safer place for sensative ears, he had also stopped crying every time the novelist did something cold or mean to him. Not that that happened as often anymore. The blonde smiled after his lover and returned to the laptop. It had always surprised him that they had managed to stick together all that time and he knew all too well that the one who had struggled the hardest to reach that goal was Shuichi. The vocalist had refused to give up even though he had been hurt so many times by all the hard words and mean actions Yuki had carried out. They still had fights and the novelist could still lose his temper but not like he used to. One genki singer had changed his way of life and Eiri didn't mind at all. The novelist smiled to himself. He realized that he wouldn't be able to write anything more that evening so he shut down his laptop and left the chair he had been sitting in for hours. 

A noise pulled him from his sleep and he frowned slightly. Shuichi usally didn't get up as early as he used to so Yuki opened his eyes to see if his lover was still in bed. He heard the noise again. Coughing. The novelist frowned deeper and got out off bed. He didn't like the sound of that cough and followed it towards the bathroom. Slowly he pushed the door open and froze at the sight before him. A slight form hunched over the toilet shaking from the coughs that sounded like they were trying to tear his insides out.   
"Shu?" Yuki asked softly and kneeled beside him. His lover panted for air and looked up at him. He was just about to say something when another wave of deep hacking coughs interrupted him. It was so bad he had to vomit. The novelist put his arm around Shuichi's shoulders and tried to calm him down. "How long have it been this bad?" he asked even though he knew his lover wouldn't be able to answer. The smaller man's clothes were drenched with sweat and his eyes bloodshot from all the hard coughing. After what seemed to be half a lifetime they finally died out and Shuichi sunk down on the floor. Worried and scared Eiri picked up his lover and carried him back to bed. Carefully the novelist took off the sweaty shirt and pants and began cleaning the younger man with a wet towel. Shuichi was still struggling to get enough air and his face was pale.   
"I'm… sorry I woke you," he panted and shuddered under the cold towel. Yuki frowned at him.   
"Don't be stupid Shu! How long has it been this bad?" The blonde's voice was harsh but not from anger.   
"Just this week. It's nothing, really Yuki. I'll be fine in a few days." Eiri glared at him.   
"You're going to the doctors tomorrow! Either by yourself of with me!" he growled. "That is no normal cough you have there."   
"But I…"  
"No buts Shuichi! I'll call first thing tomorrow morning and I'll drag you there kicking and screaming if I have to!" The smaller man pouted and glared back at his lover.   
"Fine! I'll go but I'll go alone… if that's okay with you Mommy," the vocalist muttered with sarcasm in his tired voice. He got another hard glare from the blonde. Instead of saying anything else Yuki pulled the quilt over him and then left his side to get a blanket. He was worried about Shuichi. Colds were one thing but that cough was something else. 

Shuichi slowly left the hospital and headed home. His face was serious and his eyes filled with tears. The doctor's words still echoed inside his head and he desperatly tried to push them away. It was the third time that week he had been to the hospital and he still hadn't told Yuki. He just couldn't, didn't want to. As he approched their building he wiped the sad look off his face and replaced it with his normal cheerful smile. It faultered a moment before he opened the door and stepped inside their apartment.   
"Ah there you are," a soft voice said and Shuichi smiled at his lover.   
"Sorry I'm late I got stopped a lot. Fans have no shame at all." Yuki grunted something and reached out to him. But instead of willingly coming up to be hugged and kissed, as he normally did, the vocalist heading for the kitchen. "I'll start dinner right away." He ignored the confused look he got from the novelist who followed him and placed a hand on his shoulder.   
"Is something wrong Shu?" he asked and turned the smaller man around to look at his face.   
"No, everything is fine," Shuichi smiled and pulled away. "I'm just really hungry."   
"Hn." He could feel Yuki staring at his back for a moment before he left. The moment he was alone Shuichi dropped his smile. _Why can't I just tell him?_ the vocalist asked himself. 

Eiri fumbled after his lover and woke up when his hands found nothing. That was the fourth time that week he had woken up to find himself alone in their bad. But something told him that he had been sleeping alone for some time. Quietly he got up and went out to the livingroom. Just as the other times he found Shuichi asleep on the couch. Something wasn't right but for some strange reason his lover refused to talk about it. They hadn't touched each other for over a week and everytime the blonde tried to get close the vocalist pulled away, making up excuses. For someone who loved closeness as much as Shuichi it was an abnormal behaviour but no matter how hard Yuki pushed to find out why, the younger man refused to give in.   
"Shu what's wrong?" the blonde asked his sleeping lover. "Is there something I've done? Didn't do?" It hurt not to know, to be excluded like that but what could he do? He'd just have to wait until Shuichi was ready to tell him. With a deep unhappy sigh Yuki went back to bed. _Maybe he just don't want me to catch the flu from him?_ the novelist pondered as he stared at the ceiling. _Maybe he doesn't love me anymore?_ Eiri shuddered at that thought. Losing Shuichi would be more than he could handle. During the years that had passed his love for the genki singer had grown so much that the shear thought of being without him made the novelist completely numb. The familier sound of coughing pulled him away from his thoughts. It stopped quickly though and after a while Yuki heard the frontdoor close. Confused he got up again and walked over to the window. He saw his lover slowly walked past the building slightly bent over. Even though the blonde couldn't hear it he knew that Shuichi was coughing badly.   
"Why are you trying to hide this from me?" Yuki asked as he watched the pink haired vocalist disappear around the corner. 

Exhausted from coughing Shuichi fell to his knees while he threw up again and again. It was worse than ever and the only thing he managed to spit out was phlegm mixed with blood. His lungs and head were aching and his body was drenched with sweat. Shakingly he wiped his face. The vocalist knew that he wouldn't be able to hide his secret from his lover much longer but he didn't know what to say, how to explain. He would have to say something though because in three days he was leaving the country. There had to be a way, a way that meant that Yuki didn't have to find out. Tired and hurting all over Shuichi got off the ground and started walking slowly. He had to talk to someone. But who could he trust? After a moment he nodded to himself. The vocalist stopped on the sidewalk and waited patiently until a he saw a cab and waved at it. He wheezed when he breathed and had to repeat himself twice before the driver understood where he wanted to go. When the car stopped again he paid the man and slowly walked up to the house infront of him. It was late but the light was still turned on in one of the rooms. Instead of ringing the doorbell Shuichi headed for the window and quietly knocked on it. A face showed up and gave him a confused look.   
"What are you doing here?" the man asked after having opened the window.   
"I need to talk to you, please," the vocalist pleaded and got a nod.   
"I'll let you in." 

Touma smiled at his brother-in-law.   
"Of course you have to go Eiri," he objected and got a glare from the taller man.   
"I can't leave Shuichi, he isn't well!"   
"Eiri he's not a kid! And if you're that concerned about him I'll promise to look after him for you," Touma sighed. "You'll only be gone for five days." He knew Yuki would give in eventually if he just presisted hard enough. "Besides Shindou-san and the rest of the band will be in Kyoto from Wednesday to Friday."   
"I don't think he should go Touma. He's not well!" the taller blonde growled with dislike. "He should be in bed!"   
"You've turned into such a mother-hen Eiri," Touma chuckled softly. "I said I'll look after him, he'll be fine and so will you." For a moment Yuki glared at him before he sighed.   
"Fine, fine I'll go! But only because you're naggin me about it," the novelist growled. Touma smiled warmly and patted the younger man's shoulder. "And make sure he gets enough rest!"   
"I will Eiri, I will. Now go get packed the limo will pick you up in half an hour." Yuki glared at him for a moment and then threw his hands in the air.   
"Why can't everybody just mind their own business?" he asked loudly and trotted off to the bedroom to get packed. The minute the novelist had left the smile on Touma's face died.   
"I'm sorry for tricking you like this Eiri but I made a promise." 

By: Atsureki


	2. Left Behind

Warnings: Shonen-ai, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide.

Notes: Okay a few things here. This story takes place a little more than five years after Yuki and Shuichi first met so most things that seem OOC can probably be explained with that, at least in my head. Time changes people and people changes people… The disease I use in this fic is sticking to the truth as far as possible, however I have probably hurried up some things with it. Now a few of the outcomes are very unusual today due to the progress in treatments but since I'm a writer I've taken the liberty of simply ignoring that. And if you thought I would just give you the disease in question you are so wrong *hehe*. The same goes for other medical stuff that appears. I've tried to keep it as close to reality as I can but I'm only human.

What else? Ah of course. Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible. 

And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*

WHEREVER I MIGHT BE

Chapter 2. Left Behind

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Present date  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yuki sighed and returned to reality for a while. Slowly he left his chair and started pacing the empty apartment. After having walked back and forth for about ten minutes he stopped infront of the stereo and put on a CD. The soft voice that sang to him usually managed to ease his mind slightly. It was one of BadLuck's hits, a rather sad ballad about lovers left behind, not at all what he wanted to hear. The novelist frowned and chose another song. Shuichi's powerfull voice filled the apartment along with the perky music. Satisified with the music Yuki drifted back in time again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
A year ago…  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Morons!" Eiri snarled as he pushed his way through the crowd. He really hated walking through moving carpets of people especially when he was in a hurry. His plane had been three hours late and the novelist was on his last nerve, ready to punch in the next face he saw. When he finally left the airport he sighed with relief. "Now where's Touma?" he muttered and looked around. His brother-in-law had promised to pick him up. Frowning Yuki realized that no one was there to get him. Growling and annoyed beyond himself he waved for a cab and almost pulled the door straight from the side of the car in his eager to get inside. He gave the driver the adress home and leaned back. _I'm gonna have Touma's head for this,_ Yuki promised himself as the cab took him home. _And after I've done that I'm gonna spend a week in bed with Shuichi!_ The novelist grinned at that thought. He had missed his lover like crazy and was still a bit concerned since he hadn't heard a pip from him. Well if the vocalist had recovered from the flu he probably was kept hostage at the studio by K. Yuki rolled his eyes when he thought about his lover's manager.   
"Crazy gun-waving american," he muttered out loud. The driver pulled up outside his building and the blonde paid before hurrying inside. With a smile on his face he unlocked the door and almost tripped over the pile of mail lying on the floor. "Hm that's odd," he frowned and bent over to pick it up. Still frowning he closed the door behind him and looked around. Something wasn't normal with their apartment. It felt as if everything had been moved. "Shuichi?" No answer. Yuki searched through the apartment just to realize that his lover wasn't there. _This doesn't feel right,_ he sighed inside, _something's wrong._ The blonde stopped in the bedroom and looked around. Again he got the feeling that everything had been moved even though it looked like every single thing was where it should be. Frowning Yuki walked over to his bedside table and pulled out on of the drawers. His frown deepened when he saw that the things inside had been rearanged "Who the hell did this?" he asked out loud and threw his coat on the bed. "Shuichi?" No, his lover would never go through his things, especially not the things in that drawer. The doorbell rang and distracted him from his questions. 

Yuki stared at the man standing outside his door. For a moment he just wanted to rip his head off but decided against it and stepped aside.   
"I hoped you be home by now Eiri." The other man came in and sat down.   
"Weren't you suppose to pick me up at the airport?" the novelist asked flatly and glared at his brother-in-law.   
"Eiri something happened while you were out of town. I tried to reach you but…"  
"Cut the bullshit Touma! Where is Shuichi and who the hell has gone through the apartment?" The smaller blonde lowered his face to the floor and sighed deeply.   
"The cops went through your apartment. They've been trying to find Shindou-san for four days." Yuki sank down on the couch and shook his head.   
"What do you mean find Shuichi? Where is he?"   
"We don't know Eiri, he disappeared the day after you left. The police thinks that he might have been kidnapt or…" Touma didn't end his sentence but both men knew what he meant. Yuki let out a whimper and hugged himself. It had been more than four years since that awful day when Aizawa had gotten his hands on Shuichi and raped him but the memories were still fresh and so was the fear that it would happen again. "Eiri we don't know if anything happened to him at all maybe he just… forgot to tell anyone where he was going?" The novelist looked up and gave his brother-in-law a desperate look.   
"Forgot?" Yuki mumbled. "He's left me. I should have seen it coming… He's been acting so strange lately." The novelist wasn't talking to the older man anymore, he was just rambling. "That's why he refused to sleep in the same bed as me, that's why I wasn't allowed to touch him. Shuichi doesn't love me anymore, he's left me." A hand shook him and managed to snap Yuki back to reality.   
"Eiri get a grip on yourself. Shindou-san loves you more than anything so there has to be some other explanation. You go make us some tea and I'll call the police and see if they've found anything," Touma said with his soft voice. Unable to do anything but obey Yuki nodded and headed for the kitchen. Not really knowing what he was doing he put water on the stove and got the tea-caddy. When the water was boiling he pulled it aside and opened the caddy. Something was in the way. Instead of reaching the spoon that should be inside his fingers got a hold of a piece of paper.   
"What's this?" Confused he stared at the paper, it had his name written on it. The sloppy kanji it was written in informed Yuki that it was from Shuichi.   
"Eiri is that tea ready yet?" Touma asked and came up to him.   
"He, he left me a note in the tea-caddy," the novelist mumbled lost in utter confusion.   
"Aren't you going to read it?" If Yuki hadn't been so unfocust and worried he would have noticed the strange tone in Touma's voice. 

__

My dear Yuki, 

I'm sorry I left without saying good bye and I'm sorry for hiding the note but I knew that the police would go through the apartment when everybody realized that I was gone. I haven't left you for good Yuki and I will be back. I just have to go away for a few months, six at the most. After that I'll be back and I'll explain everything to you. Just don't try to find me, please Yuki. You'll understand when I return. If you don't belive me check the apartment, I haven't taken all my things with me. I love you more than anything and I'll miss you so much. See you when I get back. 

Shuichi

Eiri frowned and read it again. His brain had started to work again and it didn't take long before he put two and two together.   
"So Touma when did he tell you he was leaving?" the novelist asked with a hard tone in his cold voice. His brother-in-law smiled slightly at him.   
"What makes you think he told me anything?"   
"I don't drink tea Touma! You told me to make tea so that I would find the note, didn't you?" Touma shook his head. "Don't lie to me" the taller blonde spat out with anger.   
"Eiri take it easy. Yes Shindou-san told me where the note was."   
"When did he tell you he was leaving?!"   
"He told be two days before I talked you into going on that promotion tour."   
"Talked me into? You set me up, didn't you? You and Shuichi did that so I wouldn't be home when he left, didn't you?!?" Yuki roared.   
"Yes Eiri we did. I didn't want to but Shindou-san made me promise not to tell you," Touma defended himself.   
"So where is he?!" Yuki glared at the other man with hate. "Where the fuck is he!"   
"I… I don't know. He wouldn't tell me. I drove him to the airport but I don't know which plane he took," Touma answered slowly. Eiri glared at him for a long time trying to decide if he was telling the truth or not. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Present date  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yuki sighed and leaned back against the couch. Of course he had looked for Shuichi but he hadn't found a single clue to where his lover had gone. The cops called off their search after reading the note. It was after all not illegal to disappear, as long as you did it of your own free will. Touma presisted that he knew nothing of Shuichi's whereabouts and Eiri had no other choice than to believe him. The novelist shuddered. His life had been hell as he had waited for his lover to return from wherever he had been. But it was nothing compared to the hell he had had to live in ever since he found the truth. A truth he spent so much time denying, trying to hide from. Carefully he rose and picked up a videotape from a shelf and slowly caressed it. His eyes stared at it with a longing few people understood and even fewer would believe was sane. For the third time that day, night or was it perhaps morning, his mind wandered back in time. 

~TBC~ 

By: Atsureki

Note: I have no idea if Yuki drinks tea but that damn note caused me so much problem. The tea-caddy was the only damn place I could think of that a team of cops wouldn't check. *bah* So for my sake please pretend that Yuki Eiri doesn't drink tea. *rolls eyes at herself* I have him signed down as a beer and coffee person.


	3. One Side Of The Truth

Warnings: Shonen-ai, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide.

Notes: Okay a few things here. This story takes place a little more than five years after Yuki and Shuichi first met so most things that seem OOC can probably be explained with that, at least in my head. Time changes people and people changes people… The disease I use in this fic is sticking to the truth as far as possible, however I have probably hurried up some things with it. Now a few of the outcomes are very unusual today due to the progress in treatments but since I'm a writer I've taken the liberty of simply ignoring that. And if you thought I would just give you the disease in question you are so wrong *hehe*. The same goes for other medical stuff that appears. I've tried to keep it as close to reality as I can but I'm only human.

What else? Ah of course. Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible. 

And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*

WHEREVER I MIGHT BE

Chapter 3. One Side Of The Truth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Six month ago…  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's been six months now so where's Shuichi?" The novelist met the eyes that stared at him.   
"I don't know, I haven't heard anything from him Hiro," he answered with a tiny flare of annoyance in his voice.   
"And you still don't know why he left?" his lover's best friend asked with worry.   
"I don't know more than you do." A soft knock on the door interrupted their conversation. "Yes?" Eiri asked after opening the door.   
"Are you Uesugi Eiri-san?" the young boy asked.   
"Yes, how can I help you?"   
"I have a delivery for you. Please sign here," the boy said and handed him a clipboard. The novelist signed it and was handed a parcel.   
"Thank you," Yuki mumbled and gave the delivery-boy some money.   
"Have a good day," the boy smiled and left. Eiri closed the door and went back to the living room. Slowly he opened the parcel and looked at the videotape that it contained along with a short note.   
"What's that?" Hiro asked and observed the strange look on the novelist's face.   
"It's… it's from Shuichi." The note was short and hard to read since the handwriting was so shaky.  
"What does it say?"   
"I'm sorry Yuki, just watch the tape," the blonde read out loud and hugged the casette. "That's it?" Eiri nodded and loaded the VCR. Filled with bad feelings he turned on the TV and pushed play. For a moment all they could see was blackness but then Shuichi showed up, piled up against pillows in a bed. The vocalist looked awfull. He was thin, pale and sweaty. At first he didn't look into the camera but when he did he showed them lavender eyes, shining with fever and framed by black circles. It was without a doubt the picture of a very sick person.   
"Hi Yuki. I'm real sorry I just disappeared like that and I'm even more sorry that I sent you a tape instead of calling or telling you face to face, but this is so hard to say and now I really don't have any other choice," Shuichi said with his voice hoarse and thin. "Do you remember when you sent me to the doctor because of my cough?" Even though it was just a recording Eiri nodded. "You were right Yuki it wasn't just a cold, and it wasn't the flu. Sorry I lied to you about that, but I just couldn't tell you the truth. I went to the hospital several times and didn't tell you. I… I…" the thin voice broke off in coughs and a young woman dressed as a nurse showed up. She patted the vocalist's back and wiped his forehead with a towel. Shuichi's face twisted into a mask of pure pain as the coughing got worse and worse. Then suddenly his lips were colored red and the white blanket covering him spotted in the same color. The blood Shuichi coughed up sprayed everything with red dots and the nurse just calmly wiped it off.   
"Shuichi," Eiri sobbed and reached out to his lover's picture on the TV. After a while the coughing stopped and the nurse disappeared again.   
"Sorry about that," the vocalist panted and tried to catch his breath again. "I was diagnosed with tuberculosis in both lungs and Doctor Nakayama sent me to a clinic in England for treatment. That's where I've been all this time. Unfortanelly I haven't been responding all that well to the treatment, instead I've gotten worse and the disease has spread to my spine. My lungs are damaged and that's why I'm coughing up so much blood." Shuchi started coughing again but this time the camera was turned off after a few moments.   
"I didn't think TB existed here anymore," Hiro suddenly said with fear in his voice and Yuki turned to look at him.   
"Neither did I," the novelist answered with tears in his eyes. The picture changed and Shuichi appeared again looking even worse, but in a diffrent way that Eiri couldn't put his finger on.   
"Again I'm sorry for the interruptions. As I said I'm not doing too well which is why you've recieved this tape Yuki. It's May 15 today and… if…" Shuichi's voice broke off and tears stared trailing down his pale cheeks. Eiri let out a low whimper and again reached out as if to touch the fragile man's face. "Yuki I made this tape because I'm scared. I'm so tired, so sick and I don't want to leave you without explaining everything. So if you're looking at this tape it means that I didn't make it. The clinic promised me to send this to you if I… die." The apartment was suddenly filled with a heartbreaking scream. Hiro stared at the blonde writer.   
"NO! No don't take him from me!! Please no!!" Eiri screamed and rushed over to the TV as if he somehow could change what he had heard.   
"Yuki I'm so sorry, I didn't think it would end like this. I'm begging you to go and see Doctor Nakayama as soon as you can. I don't know when I was infected and I don't know if I spread it to you. I'll always love you, wherever I might be," Shuichi cried and reached out towards the camera with longing. "I know I shouldn't ask you but please Yuki, tell Hiro I miss him. He's is my best friend and I love him dearly." The auburn haired man hid his face in his hands and cried quietly at his friend's words. "I have to stop this now… I am so sorry Yuki, so very sorry. It was never my intention to cause you so much pain. I'll love you, always," the vocalist ended and then the TV went black and silent. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Present date  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eiri's body shook as he cried. Shuichi was gone, forever. Never again would he hear that cheerful voice call his name, feel his lover's soft touch. Yuki hugged himself and rested his forehead against his knees. It had been six months since that day and still he couldn't move on, go back to living. Shuichi had sent a letter to Touma who had taken it upon himself to inform BadLuck's fans about what had happened. BadLuck's faith had been sealed and the fans were crushed. _That's how much the really cared about their idols,_ the novelist sobbed to himself. _They didn't give a shit about Shu's death, they only cared about the fact that there would be no more songs, no more albums._

But it wasn't just Eiri who was devastated. Nakano Hiroshi had known and loved Shuichi for most of his life and the unexpected news of his death had smashed the guitarist to pieces. Just like Yuki, Hiro couldn't find any way back to life. They both loved Shuichi in the same way even if the vocalist only had returned that love towards one of them. One death had ruined three humans and only one of those three would be spared from the pain, only Shindou Shuichi would be free from that hurt.  
"No, no," Eiri muttered out loud and swallowed back his tears. His mind switched like it had so many times before. "Shu isn't really gone, he's still out there, isn't he?" he asked the only one he usually talked to, the floor. "When do you think he'll come back? Today? Tomorrow?" The floor didn't give him any certain answers but then it didn't disagree with him either. "Shu will come back and then everything will be fine, won't it?" Again the floor kept silent and by doing so it agreed. A knock on the frontdoor pulled Yuki back to reality or at least closer to reality. With a tired sigh he got up and padded over to the door.  
"Shuichi?" he asked with hope as he opened.  
"Eiri," a soft voice said and Touma entered. "It's only me."

Touma sighed and looked at his brother-in-law. Some days Yuki seemed almost normal, some days he was simply unreliable but most days… he was jumping between complete insanity and the deepest pitches of agonizing sorrow. _It's the latter today,_ the older man mumbled inside his head.   
"You can come in but you'll have to leave when Shu gets here," the novelist nodded. It was days like those that really broke Touma's heart. He couldn't stand seeing his brother-in-law desperatly trying to ignore the fact that Shuichi wasn't coming back, couldn't come back.   
"Eiri you have to snap out of this. Shindou-san is gone, he's not coming back. Don't you see what you're doing to yourself?" Golden eyes glared at him with hate but somewhere behind that hate Touma could see that Yuki knew that Shuichi really was gone.   
"Why Touma? Why did they have to take him? He was all I had! The only one I've ever loved! Why did they have to take him from me!?" the writer screamed with pain and hugged himself tightly as he cried.   
"I don't know Eiri, I don't know," Touma sighed and patted the taller man on the shoulder. With a whimper Yuki threw himself at his brother-in-law, clinged to him like a child. "Eiri you have to do something or you're going to go under. I have a suggestion…" The novelist pushed himself away from the shorter blonde and glared at him with tearfilled eyes.   
"Give me one reason to live Touma! One reason!" He had switched modes again, now he was angry and cold.   
"What do you think Shindou-san would say if he could see you now? Do you think he'd be happy knowing that he killed you when he went away? You know he did it to save you from all this." His words caused Yuki to wince. "He loved you more than anything in this world and now you're repaying that love by just giving up on life?" _I can't believe I'm saying this,_ Touma moaned inside. _I'm trying to save him by making him feel guitly._

He walked slowly, limping, lost in thoughts. His back had a slight hump and his face was shadowed with hurt. For a moment he stopped and looked up at the dark sky.   
"Why did I do this?" he asked himself out loud and lowered his head to stare at his hands. "Why?" Of course he knew the answer but he didn't want to hear it. Suddenly his face showed a twisted smile. "I can still change it though, I can still make it all go away." With a low, almost insane, chuckle he glanced to his left before he nodded to himself. "Yes, yes, I'm going to make it all go away." A car raced towards him and with a grim smile on his lips he took a step forward. At first he thought he might have been too late but then he heard the screeching noise of tires trying to stop against asphalt. It felt like forever passed by before something hit him in the side and sent him flying through the air. His face was smashed against something hard and he could hear the sound of his bones breaking and then… everything started to fade to black. "I'll love you, wherever I might be," he sluddered before the darkness swallowed him up. 

"Okay, I don't know how much more we can do here but… but let's get a plastic-surgeon down here. If he survives someone is going to have to rebuild his face. By the way do we have a name?" a tired voice mumbled. He tried to understand but the language the voice spoke wasn't one he knew well enough.   
"Yes Dr. Craw. His ID says Shawn Child," a second voice said. He knew that the second person was female and the first one male but that was it. His eyes were shut and no matter how hard the tried he couldn't open them. "Dr. Craw I think he's awake."   
"Damn!" Something sharp was forced into his arm and the blackness came back. 

He slowly tried to open his eyes and almost panicked when he couldn't.   
"Easy there Mr. Child. Try to lie still." Whoever it was that talked to him did it slow enough for him to understand. "I don't know how well you can understand me Mr Child but you were in a car accident. We've patched you up and you're a lot better now. But you're face is badly damaged and that's why you can't open your eyes or talk. You're jaws were broken on several places so we've had to secure them with wires. Now, there's a plastic-surgeon here to see you and he'll try to rebuild your face using the pictures in your wallet as a pattern." He didn't understand every word but he got the message. So he had failed again? Why could he never do anything right? And how the hell would these people know who in those pictures he was? With his luck they'd get it all wrong and he'd end up looking just like… He stopped his thinking. It was no time for those kind of memories. With a low gurlgle of sadness he again found himself being pulled back into complete darkness. 

Yuki stared at sky outside the tiny window. Touma had talked him into doing this and the novelist wasn't sure he should be grateful or pissed off. His brother-in-law had refused to give up and finally Eiri had just agreed.   
"Go to Los Angeles, take some time to think, forget about Shuichi…" he muttered under his breath and felt the familier stab of sorrow when he meantioned his lover's name. "Oh Shuichi… I'd do anything to see your face, to be able to hold you again." The plane was about to land so he slowly fastened his seatbelt and leaned back still thinking about his beloved pink haired brat. A bounce of the plane informed him that they were back on solid ground again.   
"Excuse me Sir?" a soft voice said and pulled him away from his memories.   
"Yes?" Yuki answered in english.   
"Aren't you Yuki Eiri?" A young woman sat down beside him and smiled.   
"No Miss. I'm not him," the blonde said coldly and shook his head.   
"Are you sure? You look so much like him," the woman presisted. Yuki gritted his teeth and gave her a cold glare.   
"What are you? Stupid? I said I wasn't him! Go to hell and leave me the fuck alone!" he snarled to her with hate. Stunned by his hard words she left him alone. Since Shuichi's death he had been switching moods faster then most people blinked but now he had settled for being even worse than he had ever been before. Anything could set him off and he spared no one from his anger, sorrow and devastation. Yuki sighed. He didn't even know if he was sane anymore, sometimes he really thought he could see Shuichi smiling at him. Maybe the trip wasn't such a bad idea after all? Touma had given him the number to an outstanding shrink in LA but the novelist wasn't thrilled about the thought of talking about his problems and feelings with a complete stranger. But then again… if he didn't do something about the situation he had been in for the past nine months he'd either go completely insane or end up killing himself, one way or another. 

By: Atsureki


	4. Another Side Of The Truth

Warnings: Shonen-ai, Violence, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide.

Notes: This chapter has been edited slighty as a result of reviews. I'm not sure I like it the way it is now but um well… here it is.

What else? Ah of course. Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible. 

And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*

WHEREVER I MIGHT BE

Chapter 4. Another Side Of The Truth

"There you go Mr. Child. As good as new," the nurse said as she removed the last bandage that had been covering up his face. _Please God let it be my face I see,_ he begged before he opened his eyes. To his relief his face looked rather normal, except for the new pinker skin, the slight swelling and the bruises around his eyes.  
"I look younger," he studdered in english.   
"Well it all depends on how old the pictures in your wallet are. Dr. Greymore had no way of knowing. But then looking a wee bit younger never killed anyone," the nurse smiled at him. He nodded slowly and frowned at his almost bald head covered with scars from surgery. "The hair will grow back in no time Mr. Child and it'll cover them up," the nurse added when she saw the disliking in his face.   
"Don't call me that!" he muttered.   
"Don't call you what?" He didn't answer. How could he forget? Shawn Child was his name now not… _Stop it! You promised yourself that you'd never say your real name ever again!_ Suddenly he started crying.   
"What have I done?!" he screamed through his tears. "How could I do this to him?!" He had gone back to japanese so the nurse stared at him in utter confusion. There were no answers to his questions, at least none that he wanted to hear. He really didn't want to admitt that he had done it all just because he was ashamed and scared. The hump on his back, the limping, the scars on and inside his body…Then there was the fact that he still could become ill at any moment. His disease was chronic and the next time it blossomed it might very well kill him, it had almost managed to do that the last time.   
"Mr. Child are you alright?" the nurse asked with concern. He shook his head.   
"I don't think I'll ever be alright again," he sighed with sadness again fighting with the english language.   
"If you're talking about your disease there's no proof that it'll come back again. You might very well live your whole life without it ever becoming active again." 

"Shawn?" a low voice asked and someone tapped his shoulder.   
"Oh sorry. What did you say Dean?"   
"I asked if you wanted to go back inside again," the young man beside him repeated.   
"No thanks but you can go ahead, I want to sit here a little longer." Dean nodded and left him alone. In two weeks he would be free to leave the hospital but where would he go? He didn't know anyone besides Dean and the nurses who had cared for him. Tears filled up his eyes. "I want to go home," he sobbed. But he couldn't go home. No one knew he was alive, except one person, and he had caused his friends, family and… HIM enough pain as it was. "Oh Yuki I'm so sorry, so sorry I did this to you but… I don't want you to see me like this." That was what it always came down to. He didn't want to face his lover looking the way he did, didn't want to see pity in those golden eyes. The ugly hump on his back, the repulsive limp when he walked, the scars on his body, the fear of being pushed away in disgust. Besides he just wasn't the person he used to be anymore. 

Yuki sighed and headed for the shade from the buildings. The shrink he had been seeing for weeks hadn't been able to change his ways but he had accepted that Shuichi was gone. Well actually he hadn't but he did understand that his lover wasn't coming back, he would never accept that Shuichi was dead though. _Why can't I do that?_ he asked himself. _Because it still feels like he's alive._ His own answer scared him. Was he really that far gone? Was he so desperate that he actually thought that Shuichi was still alive? Yuki frowned deeply and stopped.   
"But it doesn't feel like he's dead even if the pain is there," he said out loud. His cellphone rang and Eiri sighed as he picked it up to answer. "Yes?"   
"Yuki," a low voice said on the other end. At first he didn't recognize it, for a moment it almost sounded like it was...   
"Yes," he finally managed to say after pushing away his thoughts.   
"I know it's been a long time and we haven't talked but I just assumed you wanted me to continue. You did say that you didn't want me to stop looking until I found something," the voice babbled with a brittish accent.   
"That's right," he agreed.   
"Well I have found something, at least I think I have, can't be sure though. However there is a slight problem. I'm in LA and I really need you to come over here." Eiri almost dropped the phone.   
"Randy what do you mean you've found something?" he breathed into the phone.   
"Yuki are you alright? I don't want to tell you this over the phone. How soon can you be in LA?" Randy asked.   
"Um I'm already here. Where do you want to meet me?" Randy gave him an adress, a time and hung up. The first thing Yuki had done after pulling himself together after having watched the tape Shuichi had sent him had been getting in touch with a Private Investigator. Touma had put him in contact with Randy whom Eiri had sent to London to confirm that his lover really was dead, but he had never heard anything from Randy and drowning in sadness he had just forgotten about the whole thing. 

Shawn limped his way home trying not to notice the people who stared after him. They all thought he was a freak that much was obvious and those who didn't think that looked at him with pity, which was even worse. _Once upon a time I was a famous singer and now I'm… nothing but a freak,_ he mocked himself. _I used to sing infront of thousands of people and now I wash dishes for a living!_ The tears that filled up his eyes refused to be pushed back. Washing dishes was the only job he could find since he wasn't all that great at the language, not to meantion that not many people were interested in having a hunchbacked cripple working for them. But the owner of the japanese restaurant didn't seem to care as long as he stayed in the kitchen. Shawn sighed and unlocked the door to his scabby apartment. If the rats and the cockraches had paid part of the rent he might be able to subdue the hunger that constantly burned inside of him but like all parasites they simply refused to chip in.   
"Okay I'm home!" he said loudly and glared around. "Anyone with more legs than me better stay the hell away from me!" Neither rat or cockroach made any promises but at least he didn't see any of them. His life was hell or maybe worse than hell, it was hard to decide. All he knew was that he really wished he had died in that car accident, not that it had been an accident though. But than again, that was a mistake he could fix if he just could gather enough nerve again. 

A suntanned arm waved at him and he headed towards it pushing people out of his way.   
"Where does all this damn people come from?" he growled and sat down.   
"This is LA," Randy shrugged. "Um Yuki do you mind if we did this in japanese?" The novelist frowned slightly but shook his head.   
"Not at all," he answered and abandoned the english language.   
"I'm not gonna beat around the bush here so… I spent months in London trying to find out something about Shindou but found nothing. The clinic confirmed the story we both heard. They even have a stone on their graveyard with Shindou's name on it," Randy babbled and put a few photos infront of Eiri. They were all of a round stone with Shuichi's name, date of birth and death on. The novelist closed his eyes when he saw the seven words underneth. I'LL LOVE YOU, WHEREVER I MIGHT BE. "Then I went to the airport in London. I must have showed a million people Shindou's picture but no one recognized him. Then I realized that if there was something fishy about this story he must have done something to hide who he really is, right?" Yuki looked up and nodded slightly. "So I had a friend of mine change his haircolor. When he was a brunette three of the people working there recognized him. A picture of a guy with pink hair sort of distracts people from looking at his face."   
"What do you mean recognized him? He must have landed there when he went to London," Eiri objected.   
"No, Shindou was flown to London in a private jet. Didn't you know?" Randy asked with confusion. The novelist shook his head. "That's odd." The PI mutterd to himself for a moment while he searched through his briefcase. "Ah here we go. That jet was rented by one Seguchi Touma, isn't that your brother-in-law?" Yuki suddenly felt sick to his stomach. Touma had lied to him all along.   
"You mean Touma is involved in this?"   
"Oh I'm not done yet," Randy chuckled and pulled up a few more papers. "Shindou picked up a reserved ticket at the airport, on June 5, three months before you recieved that tape. That ticket was paid for with a credit card belonging to one Seguchi Touma."   
"Excuse me," Eiri croaked out and hurried inside the resaurant and into one of the bathroom stalls where he sunk to his knees and threw up. Touma had known all along. He had know that Shuichi wasn't dead, but why? Why would he lie about something that important? Yuki shakingly got off the floor and cleaned himself up. Trembling from disgust, anger and hate he went back to Randy.   
"Are you okay Yuki?"   
"No I'm not but continue," the novelist answered coldly.   
"Okay. I have a tape from one of the airports here in LA, now I hope you understand that the fact that I have this tape means that I broke the law," Randy said firmly. "Anyways, take it and watch it carefully. I think you'll find Shindou on it, just remember that he's changed a lot. It's very likely that you won't like what you see. Ah I almost forgot, he's changed his name, the ticket was picked up by a…" Randy silenced for a moment to check his notes, "Ah there we have it, Shawn Child. One last thing before I go, Yuki. I don't want to hear a single question about how I know these things, is that understood?" Eiri gave him a confused look and nodded slowly. "Good, good. Call me if you need anything else." 

He watched the tape again. Plenty of people walked back and forth but so far he hadn't seen anyone he recognized.   
"Damn!" he cursed and started over again. Golden eyes ran over the TV and suddenly froze. There was something very familier about a young man standing at the edge of the camera's view. For a brief moment the young man faced the camera. "Shuichi," Yuki moaned. So it was true? His lover wasn't dead. But why all the lies? Why hide so much from him? Eiri didn't understand. How could Shuichi inflict so much pain on him by making him think that he had lost his lover forever? It didn't make sense and it made him feel so angry and hurt. Yuki picked up his phone and dialed Randy's number. If it was the last thing he'd ever get to do he would find Shuichi, find him and demand an explanation and… and hold him in his arms again even if it was for the very last time.   
"I'm Randy how about you?" the babbling voice answered with a chuckle, most likely aimed at his own joke.   
"Yuki here. I want you to find Shuichi. I'll pay any price you ask if you just track down Shawn Child and give me an adress where to find him," Eiri said harshly.   
"Are you sure you want me to do that? After watching that tape I thought…"  
"Find him Randy!" Yuki interrupted him and almost crushed the phone in his hand.   
"Have it your way," the other man sighed. "I'll get right on it and let you know as soon as I find something." The call ended and Yuki sank down on a chair. His personal hell had just been upgraded to something far worse. 

Touma picked up the phone slowly.   
"He knows," a voice muttered before he had a change so say anything.   
"And?" the blonde asked and sat down.   
"He wants me to find him A.S.A.P.. What do you want me to do?" Touma frowned for a moment and thought through his options. It really didn't matter what he did anymore, his secret was already out.   
"Do it. Eiri is going to find him even if you don't help him." The other man hung up. The blonde put down the phone and sighed. For 15 months he had been lying through his teeth to the one person who meant more than anything to him. He knew that Yuki would think it was to get Shuichi away from him but it wasn't… just that. The vocalist had been completely illogical in his line of thinking that night when he had showed up outside the blonde's window. Shuichi had been afraid that he would spread the TB to his lover, scared that his disease would be too much for the blonde novelist to handle. As if learning that the genki brat was dead hadn't been too much? Touma wanted them separated, he couldn't stand that someone else made Eiri so damn happy, but he hadn't acted as selfish as he had started out to. He had sent Yuki to LA, where he knew that Shuichi could be found, he had given Randy enough information so that Eiri would find out the truth. Why? _Because I can't stand seeing Eiri hurt so much. I can't stand seeing him dying inside,_ Touma sighed in his head.

A quick rap on the door woke him up. His muscles objected as he slowly picked himself up from the couch. Another rap on the door, this time harder. With a frown he opened it and went completely numb as golden eyes stared down at him.   
"Shuichi," the taller man almost whimpered. For a moment neither of the two men moved or made a sound then lavender eyes meet gold for a brief second. Slowly the novelist came closer and pulled him into his arms crushing the stiff body against his own. Shuichi didn't return the embrace, couldn't convince himself to lift his arms or move at all. A moment later the blonde pushed him away. The vocalist felt frozen as he just stared blankly infront of him. "Close the door," the blonde said flatly as he walked into the appartment. When Shuichi didn't move he walked up to him and pushed the door closed. "You really thought I wouldn't find out didn't you?! Didn't you Shuichi?!" the novelist roared at him. The younger man didn't answer he just stared at the floor. _Yuki found me? But how? Seguchi-san must have told him. But why?_ The questions darted around inside his head. He knew that he had messed everything up but… but he had never meant for Yuki to suffer so badly, he had never realized that he had cause his lover so much pain. Of course he understood that he was hurting Yuki with his actions but not that it was that badly, so deep. Suddenly a hard hand connected with his face and sent him crashing into the door. The pain shot through his head and back but the empty expression on the vocalist's face didn't even flinch. The left side of his face was numb from the punch but he didn't care, couldn't even really feel the pain. He deserved it. Carefully he squinted up to look at the face he had missed so much. But that face wasn't the one he had seen in his dreams, no it was diffrent. Five years ago he had been used to it or rather a less brutal kin to it. It was a face he feared, worshipped… and loved more than anything, but it wasn't the one he wanted to look into. His eyes returned to the floor and his mind disappeared somewhere. 

Eiri felt his inside burn just as his hand did. He had hit Shuichi, his brain had simply refused to settle for anything less than physical pain. He wanted to leave a mark on that face so that it would never forget how much hurt he had suffered every time it had showed up to haunt him. So if that was what he wanted how come it felt so very wrong, how come it hurt so much to see that sweet face bruise? Growling to himself the novelist started pacing the tiny apartment and pushed those questions away. So far he hadn't gotten a single reaction from the other man.   
"Why!?" he asked with his voice low and dangerous. Nothing. "Answer me Shuichi! Why!?!" Still nothing. Yuki twisted his face into a horrible mask of pure rage, a rage that came from despair and hurt. His heart was breaking… no that couldn't be it… his heart had been broken so many months ago. This was so much worse, he was being crushed, ripped to shreds. Still he couldn't stop what he had started. He just had to see hurt, pain, shame, anything in those lavender eyes or he'd go insane. "You lead me to think you were dead! How the hell could you do that to me?!" There… wasn't there a tiny change in those eyes? No, still nothing. "Fine! Don't say anything! I'll say what I came here to say and then I'll leave. After that I don't ever, EVER want to see you again Shuichi! If I so much as take one look at you again I'll kill you, understand!?" The other man still didn't react. "I don't know why you did what you did and I don't really care anymore but know this much… You've destroyed everything with your cruel games and lies. From now on I'll deny that you ever even existed! Right now I wish that you really had died! That you would have coughed up every drop of blood in your body and choked on it!" It was like his words didn't even reach Shuichi who still just stood and stared at the floor. Angry beyond himself Yuki grabbed the slender shoulders and shook the younger man violently, banging him against the door over and over again. "You said you loved me, that you'd never hurt me, that you'd never leave me!" Eiri screamed and tried to get the vocalist to meet his eyes. "You're nothing but a pathetic lier Shuichi! You disgust me! I hope you die a painfull death and rot in hell!" With those words he more or less threw the much smaller man to the side and stormed out. 

Shuichi curled up and ignored the numb pain. Why hadn't he seen what he was doing? Why hadn't he understood that he had crushed Yuki by pushing him aside, lying to him, hiding everything him. Finally the tears came and spilled down his face, causing his cracked lip to sting. It was what he deserved. Yuki had said that he wished he was dead. Well at least one thing they agreed on. Shuichi rubbed his head against the stinking carpet and cursed himself.   
"A painfull death," he whimpered out loud and winced at the taste of blood in his mouth. But death was an easy way out, something he didn't deserve at all. The vocalist pondered over his life for a second. Now his life really was a living hell and wasn't that where he should be? "I will rot in hell Yuki but I'm sorry I dragged you with me." The numbness finally vanished and his intire body trembled and twitched in pain. Suddenly a hacking cough stole his breath away. _No please not this again,_ Shuichi begged. _Please anything but this._ It seemed like Yuki would get his wish. The vocalist almost choked on the hacking coughs and silently wished he would just die. 


	5. To Hell And Back

Warnings: Shonen-ai, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide.

Notes: Okay a few things here. This story takes place a little more than five years after Yuki and Shuichi first met so most things that seem OOC can probably be explained with that, at least in my head. Time changes people and people changes people… The disease I use in this fic is sticking to the truth as far as possible, however I have probably hurried up some things with it. Now a few of the outcomes are very unusual today due to the progress in treatments but since I'm a writer I've taken the liberty of simply ignoring that. And if you thought I would just give you the disease in question you are so wrong *hehe*. The same goes for other medical stuff that appears. I've tried to keep it as close to reality as I can but I'm only human.

What else? Ah of course. Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible. 

And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*

WHEREVER I MIGHT BE

Chapter 5. To Hell And Back

Yuki threw himself out from the building and onto the sidewalk but there he stopped. Shakingly he leaned against the wall and sank down to rest on his heels. His arms wrapped around himself and tears ran down his cheeks.   
"Why? Why? Why Shuichi?" he asked over and over again. "What made you do this?" His rage had died out and only left the pain from his shattered heart. Eiri wasn't sure why he had acted the way he had towards Shuichi but he wished he hadn't. Sure he was angry with the younger man but he had missed him a whole lot more than he had been angry with him. Now he had ruined it all, any chance of leaving LA with his lover next to him had been destroyed. He had been so cruel with his words and so brutal with his actions. Maybe he had every right to be so angry but… it wouldn't help him at all. "I said I wanted him to die." Yuki shuddered at his own words. He didn't want Shuichi to die! He wanted… What was it he wanted? Eiri sighed and wiped the tears from his face. _I want Shuichi to come home, I want him to pester me the way he used to._ The sound of footsteps reached him and the novelist looked up. Someone was coming out of the building and Yuki somehow knew that it was Shuichi. Quickly he got up and walked around the corner. He carefully stuck his head out and saw his lover, or should it be former lover, walk out of the building. Shuichi was coughing and limping. Yuki frowned. He hadn't noticed that before, but then he hadn't noticed the change in Shuichi's face either. When he thought about it he realized that the vocalist had looked younger than the last time he saw him. That was very strange since he was so thin and pale, which should make him look older. "He's still sick and I still… hit him." Yuki closed his eyes and damned himself. Carefully he started following the smaller man. 

Shuichi limped worse than usual. The ache in his back was awfull just as the throbbing pain in his face and it was all made worse by the coughing. It didn't matter though… Yuki had had every right to take out his anger on him like that. With a cough he stopped infront of a pay-phone and searched through his pockets. He had no money, not even enough to make one lousy phonecall.   
"Seguchi-san can pay for it!" he pouted and braced himself since he had to make himself understood in english. After repeating himself a hundred times he finally managed to get the person on the other end to understand what he wanted.   
"Yes?"   
"I have a collect call from a Mr. Shindou will you accept the charge?"   
"I will," Touma agreed and the third person disappeared.   
"Seguchi-san," Shuichi said under his breath. "I just saw Yuki. Why did you tell him!?" For a moment Touma was silent.   
"I don't like breaking promises Shindou-san but this went too far, we went too far. Eiri is losing his mind and I refuse to be any part of it!" the older man answered flatly.   
"So instead you sent him after me? Seguchi-san do you think he's any better off now when he knows what I've turned into? His former lover is a hunchbacked cripple who lives in an apartment you wouldn't even keep pigs in! He's so angry he might do something… to himself," the vocalist cried and leaned against the phone to stop himself from falling to the ground.   
"But at least he knows that you're still alive."   
"Get him away from LA Seguchi-san, please," Shuichi begged and tried to wipe away his tears. "Take him home and make him stop hurting!" But he knew that Touma wouldn't be able to do that, no one would. Completely exhausted the vocalist hung up without saying good bye. The world was spinning around him and it just kept on going faster and faster. For a moment he managed to stand up straight but then his knees folded underneth him and his head hit the pavement. 

Golden eyes looked at the slender young man who fiddled with the pay-phone. He had heard every word but he didn't understand them. What was Shuichi talking about? Hunchbacked cripple? Okay so he did have a very small hump on his back but it was nothing anyone would notice if they didn't look too close, it was the same with the limp. What anyone would notice however was the big bruise that covered half Shuichi's face, and he was the one who had put there. Yuki shuddered and placed his gaze back on the slender man. The vocalist took a small step away from the phone and swayed for a moment before he dove head first into the ground.  
"Shuichi!" the novelist called out and rushed over to the limp form. Carefully he picked him up and hugged him tight. "I'm sorry Shu, I'll fix this, I promise," Eiri mumbled and pressed his face against his lover's soft hair. "I didn't mean a word of what I said, just please don't..." He couldn't finish the sentense, didn't even want to say the awful word because he was afraid that that would take Shuichi away from him again. The blonde started running down the sidewalk with the slight body pressed against his chest. He rounded a corner and waved in a cab. With great care he placed his burden on the seat and got inside. "Get us to a hospital, fast!" he ordered the driver and again closed his arms around Shuichi.   
"Yes Sir," the driver nodded and sped down the street. 

"Mr. Yuki?" Eiri looked up and nodded to the doctor. "Can I talk to you in my room for a moment?" Again Eiri nodded and follwed the man. The door closed behind them and the doctor gestured to him to sit down.   
"How is he?" Yuki asked, unable to keep the worry from showing in his face.   
"I take it that you know that Mr. Child has tuberculosis?"   
"Yes but I thought he was cured from it?" the blonde answered slowly.   
"The type Mr. Child has is chronic it'll never go away but most of the time you can keep it from being active. However if you don't take your medication it will most likely blossom again," the doctor explained. "Do you know why Mr. Child hasn't been taking his medication?" Eiri shook his head. "Well besides that Mr. Child is in a very poor state of general health. He hasn't been eating enough, sleeping enough and he's apparently been beaten, recently." The blonde winced and lowered his face. How was he suppose to explain that he was the one who had put those bruises on Shuichi?   
"His name is Shindou, Shuichi Shindou," Yuki said instead. He couldn't stand hearing that doctor call his lover by some fake name.   
"But his ID says Shawn Child and he has been admitted to this hospital before under that name."   
"What?"   
"Mr. Child um Mr. Shindou was here for months due to a car accident, he was realeased only five weeks ago. According to witnesses, he walked out right infront of a speeding car. But you must know this Mr. Yuki. Mr. Shindou had major surgery done on his face and skull. I do understand the situation correctly when I assume that he is your hm boyfriend, right?"   
"Eh well yes." The doctor smiled slightly.   
"That being the case you surely must know his medical history? From the TB infected spine, the slight brain damage caused by a minor stroke and what I strongly believe was a suicide attempt." Yuki stared at him. All this was new to him well except the part of the TB infecting Shuichi's spine.   
"A minor stroke?" he asked in confusion and felt panic rise inside.   
"It says so in his journal, we had it faxed here from London. Mr. Chi… Shindou suffered from a minor stroke at the clinic over there. It caused a very slight damage to his brain, that's why he's limping. The little, let's call it a bruise, on his brain results in minor problems with the finer movements of his left leg." Yuki rested his face in his hands. No wonder Shuichi had decided to run away instead of coming back. Few people understood it but the vocalist was as proud as the next person even if that didn't show sometimes. He might cry and act like a child without caring who saw but he still had pride. If Shu would have returned to Tokyo the press would have gone mad. They would have had a field day if they had had the chance to feast on the vocalist's harsh fate.   
"I… I had no idea about this," Eiri finally admitted and sighed.   
"I see. How about the attempt he made to kill himself?"   
"I haven't seen Shuichi for…" Yuki had to count in his head, "15 months. I only caught up with him today." The doctor raised an eyebrow and nodded slowly.   
"Well Mr. Yuki… I suggest you go and see him now. He's still unconscious but I think he'd be glad to see you once he wakes up." Eiri shook his head and fought back his tears.   
"I can't. I'm the one who… It's my fault that Shuichi is here," the novelist mumbled.   
"Hardly Mr. Yuki. Mr. Shindou has been neglecting his own health for quite some time so unless you're the one who've kept him from eating, sleeping and taking his medications you have no blame in this. Mr. Shindou is very fragile at this moment and he needs someone to take care of him, to love him and judging from the look in your eyes… you're the one he needs." 

Shuichi struggled to lift the dark lid placed over his mind. Slowly he managed to push it away and opened his eyes. The light stabbed his eyes and caused him to pull up a hand to shade himself. His body was almost numb with pain and his breathing hoarse and strained. When his eyes had gotten used to the light he lowered his hand. Something soft tickled his fingers so he carefully tilted his head to the right. Blonde hair. Shuichi drew a deep breath and slowly ran his fingers through it. _Yuki,_ he sighed inside and felt so lost and broken. _Why are you here Yuki? Haven't I caused you enough pain?_ The novelist seemed to be asleep and didn't move. His head was placed on his arms that rested on the bed. The door opened and a nurse came in, for a moment she hesitated then she came up to Shuichi and leaned close to him.   
"I just came to check on you," she whispered. "How are you feelings Mr. hm Shindou?" The vocalist glanced at the sleeping blonde next to him and sighed.   
"I don't know… I hurt all over." The nurse nodded and smiled a little.   
"No wonder, you're black and blue all over. We've started you on medication for the TB. Why did you stop taking them?" The question had a shred of sharpness in it. Shuichi sighed again.  
"I couldn't afford them."   
"I see. Well I'll ask Dr. Hayes to look into that. It is very important that you continue to take your medications," the nurse nodded.   
"Why is Yuki here?" The question slipped out before Shuichi had a chance to stop it. The young woman gave him a confused look.   
"Mr. Yuki brought you here. He said you collapsed on the sidewalk outside your apartment," she answered slowly. "It's a good thing he's sleeping a little. He's been up all night watching over you." Shu swallowed. Why had the blonde done that? Yuki hated him, didn't he? If not, he really should. The nurse left them alone and the vocalist went back to running his fingers through blonde hair. All he wanted was for Yuki to hold him, tell him that everything was like it had been before he left. But it would never be like that again. _Even if he could forgive me, I'm still sick, deformed and simply not myself anymore. I'll never be Shindou Shuichi again, he died the day I left Tokyo, the day I left Yuki,_ Shuichi thought and felt how tears started flowing rapidly down his cheeks. He really did feel like he had died that day when Touma drove him to the private jet. Of course he hadn't known that the disease would be so bad even if he had been in a sorry state when he left. But the three months he had been at the clinic in England had been so awful. The drugs they had filled him with, the constant coughing, all the blood, the fevers and then finally… The doctors had told him the truth, that he might not make it so he had started recording that tape. But he had gotten so sick they had had to stop before he was done. That night he had had a stroke, it was only a small one but it had still caused Shuichi a very slight brain damage. It had taken him over a month to recover from that and he hadn't been able to finish the tape until he looked normal again. He had lied so much on that damn tape. The first month in England it hadn't looked like his body was responding to the treatmeant at all and that was why the tape had been made. But when his back started to show signs of a hump even though his body started to improve and that damn stroke hit him it had ruined everything. It had dawned on the vocalist that he would never be able to go back to Yuki again. He had managed to train away most of the mild paralysis on the left side of his body but the limp had refused to give in. The media would never have left him alone and that meant that they would never leave Yuki alone either. That and the fear of tying his lover to him because of pity had just been too much for Shu. So he had added the final part of the tape with his heart shattered to dust and screaming in regret. Three months after he arrived at the clinic he had left, he had run away to LA, hoping and praying that the ones he left behind would be fine without him. But now he understood that he had made the wrong choice. Instead of saving the blonde he had destroyed him, smashed him to pieces. The head his hand rested on moved and Shuichi braced himself as Yuki slowly looked up at him. 

Eiri lifted his head and met his lover's eyes. They were filled with tears and so much sorrow. Without a word the blonde novelist got up and moved closer, carefully pulling the slender man into his arms.   
"I thought I had lost you all over again," he mumbled and pressed himself against the vocalist. "Don't ever do that to me again Shuichi, please." But to his surprise he was pushed away.   
"Yuki don't ask that of me. We both know that we can't be together anymore," Shu said with sadness. Eiri stared at him with disbelief.   
"Why?" was the only word he managed to get across his lips.   
"I will always love you Yuki but…"  
"But what?! Shuichi why are you doing this?" the blonde asked sounding every bit as desperate as he felt.   
"I'm not Shuichi anymore Yuki. Can't you see it in my eyes? Shuichi died the day he left you, the day he lied to you," Shu answered as he softly cried. "At first I thought I had just lost him but he's dead. I killed him, I didn't want to but… Shuichi would never had done this to you so he must be dead." Eiri shook his head franticly.   
"That's a load of bullshit! You have already been taken from me once and there is no way in hell I'll let you slip through my fingers again. I can't live without you Shuichi. I'm sorry if that's inconvenient for you but I just can't," the novelist said, his voice harsh from anger and fear.   
"So even after everything I've done to you, you want me back?" The blonde nodded looking extremly stubborn. "And how is that suppose to happen Yuki?"   
"You're coming home with me!"   
"Besides you there is only one more person who knows that I'm still alive. What do you think is going to happen if I return to Japan?" Shuichi asked quietly. Eiri winced. His lover was right, there was no way Shu could return to Japan, at least none he could see at the moment.   
"Fine then I'll move here. I don't care!" Yuki couldn't help but thinking that the roles had changed. He was acting like Shuichi and the vocalist was acting like him.   
"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. You and I are over Yuki. I'll always love you but… you have to move on," Shuichi said so much sadness it almost crushed the older man but even more so it made his temper flare.   
"You love me and still you insist that I should just turn around and leave?! Are you even considering my feelings here?" the novelist spat out with anger. "And what about Hiro? You don't even know how all this has effected him, do you? Well let me tell you! Your best friend is a shell! When I left Tokyo he hadn't been outside his apartment for months. You do know that he loves you as much as I do, don't you?" Shuichi seemed to shrink infront of the angry blonde. "Hiro is dying in the very same way I was dammit! He's fading away but I suppose you don't care about that either!" Yuki's anger and panic was getting the better of him but he didn't care. He just had to make Shuichi understand.   
"I… I…" the vocalist studdered and began crying so hard he couldn't continue talking.   
"You're not a selfish person Shuichi, I know you're not so why are you doing this?"   
"Because I betrayed you, and Hiro. I hurt both of you in such a cruel way! I can't be allowed anywhere near you ever again, because I might do it again!" the vocalist screamed through his tears.   
"Yes you did hurt us in a very cruel way Shu but I think I understand why. I can't say I fully understand all of it but I do have an idea. When I watched the tape you sent me I understood that you weren't coming back and for some time I thought I could accept that you were dead. But I never could, my heart wouldn't let me and it almost drove me insane. After I came here to LA I finally realized why I couldn't accept it. I couldn't because it didn't feel like you were dead." Yuki wasn't sure what he was saying anymore but he just had to keep talking until Shuichi understood that he simply couldn't let go. "Shu you're all I have, the one good thing that ever walked into my life and if you think I can just let that go you're very wrong. I am angry with you for what you did, I'm hurt that you lied but I need you. I can't change the way I feel and neither can you." The vocalist looked up and with a desperat look in his lavender eyes he pulled the blonde's face down to his. The kiss was harsh almost brutal but Yuki answered it in the same way. His lips hurt and he didn't care. It had been such a long time since he had tasted Shuichi in his mouth and his body was screaming in joy at the familier taste. After what seemed to be forever the kiss broke off.   
"Yuki if that's how you really feel and you think we can work pass what I've done… If you ask me to come with you I will," Shuichi mumbled quietly. Eiri looked into his eyes and carefully thought it through.   
"I am asking you to come back to me Shu. But only if you want to give us one more try." The vocalist nodded slowly.   
"I do want to be by your side again Yuki but… are you sure it's a wise idea?" The blonde cocked an eyebrow at the question.   
"Shu since when was our relationship ever a wise idea?" he asked and couldn't help but smile and his lover did the same. That smile changed Shuichi's intire face. He looked like he used to, innocent, soft, open and a little bit genki. "Kuso gaki," Yuki murmured with affection. It actually looked like he would have his damn brat back again.   
"Hidoi," the vocalist sighed but it was a satisfied sigh. "Yuki…"  
"Yes."   
"I wish I could go back and change everything I did… I'm so sorry I…" A soft hand on his cheek silenced him.   
"Shu I know. And I'm sorry for the things I said to you before. I didn't mean any of it, I just wanted you to hurt the way I hurt," the blonde admitted with shame.   
"You had every right to."   
"No Shuichi, I didn't have any right at all to say those things to you or to hit you! You have no idea how much your face has haunted me these months. Sometimes I really thought I could see you smiling at me and I just had to wipe that image away." Eiri carefully caressed his lover's bruised face.   
"I'm sorry…" Shu whispered and hung his head in shame.   
"Did you walk out infront of that car on purpose?" Yuki asked softly and saw how the vocalist snapped his head up.   
"I… I… Yes. I didn't want to live with what I did, didn't want to be without you…"

By: Atsureki


	6. The End Of The End

Warnings: Shonen-ai, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide. This chapter is not for you people who have a are good at picturing things and are faint of heart. Gomen…

Notes: This chapter has been changed and stuff due to a review. When I read the chapter again after seeing that review I had to ask myself what the hell I was thinking *hits herself over the head* Tons of thanks to silvercross for pointing out how illogical it was before. Hope it's better now *S*

What else? Ah of course. Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible. 

And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*

WHEREVER I MIGHT BE

Chapter 6. The End Of The End

Shuichi stared at the never ending sea that they flew over. It had been almost two years since that awful day when he had left Tokyo and he was scared of returning. He had spent five months together with Yuki in LA before they both felt the time was right to go back home. The vocalist rested his chin in his hands and thought about the months that had passed. They had fought, screamed, cried, hugged and made love in an emotinal roller coaster. Never had Shu realized that it would be so hard to rebuild what he had ruined, but they had moved forward. Things weren't the way they used to and they both knew that they probably never would be again. At the thought of his blonde lover Shuichi turned around to look at him. Yuki was half asleep in his seat but immediately felt his lover's eyes on him. Without a word he reached out his hand and the vocalist willingly came up to him and took a seat on his lap.   
"Scared?" the blonde asked quietly. Shu nodded and rested his head on his lover's shoulder. "Touma has taken care of everything but are you sure you're up to facing the media and the fans?" The vocalist nodded again. He knew that Yuki was worried about him and his health. The blonde novelist had changed alot since that day when he had found Shuichi in LA. The Eiri who always seemed so confident and cool was gone. Instead the novelist was nervous and unsure a lot of times, especially when it came to his lover. In the past Yuki had never seemed to need to hear how Shu felt for him but now he needed to hear it quite often. Not that the vocalist minded saying those three words but it was disturbing that his actions had changed the blonde so much. A new need of physical contact had also appeared. Yuki had never been one to cuddle or hold others but since he had almost lost his lover twice he had changed. If they were in the same room you could be pretty sure that you'd find the blonde next to the vocalist, usually with his arm protectivly wrapped around his shoulders. And what about Shuichi himself? He had changed too. The genki side was almost completely gone and so was the constant babbling. BadLuck's vocalist had turned into a rather quiet and serious man, only when he was alone with Yuki his face softened and went back to looking much like it used to two years ago.   
"Yuki you'll be with me the whole time won't you?" Shuichi suddenly asked with fear and looked up.   
"Of course I will. I won't let anybody near you," Eiri answered and wrapped his arms tighter around the slim body pressed against his.   
"What did Seguchi-san tell the press?" He already knew but he needed to hear Yuki's voice.   
"Touma told them that you had been in a car accident and that that put you in a coma. With a little luck they'll either buy the story or just think you went away to have plastic surgery," the blonde said softly and intwined his fingers with the smaller man's.   
"But they do know about me being sick, right?" Eiri nodded.   
"Yes Touma has given them your papers from the clinic so they know all about the TB and the stroke. Shuichi you don't have to worry about the limp or your back. It's really not as obvious as you think." The vocalist bit his lip. Yuki had forced him to look at himself naked in the mirror several times. At first he had almost thrown up at the sight of his disgusting body but eventually the blonde won. The scars would never go away and the hump would always be there but Eiri was right, it wasn't that obvious neither was the limp. As a final try to get his old self back Shuichi had changed back to his normal pink haircolor. If you didn't look into his eyes he did look just like he had about five years ago, including the younger face. 

The private plane touched ground and Yuki looked at the slender male beside him. He knew it would be hard for Shuichi to face the media and the fans but it would be nothing compared to when he would have to face Hiro again. Touma had made sure the guitarist was at home instead of at the airport so that the two friends could meet in private, not that Hiro had seemed to understand any of what was going on. As the plane stopped the novelist rose from his seat and took his lover's hand in his.   
"You ready for this?" he asked softly.   
"No but let's do it anyway," Shu mumbled with fear in his big eyes.   
"I'll be right beside you the whole time Shuichi. If you feel like you can't handle it just say so and I'll get us out of there, okay?" The vocalist nodded and squeezed the blonde's hand. Before they could get off the plane Touma came in. He looked at his brother-in-law with a worried shadow in his eyes. Eiri supressed the anger and hate he felt for the girl-like blonde and pressed his lover's body close to his.   
"Are you two ready?" Seguchi asked quietly.   
"We are. I don't want you anywhere near this Touma is that understood!?" Yuki asked harshly and glared at the other man.   
"I understand Eiri-san," the president of NG sighed. "Shindou-san are you alright?" Shu nodded slowly and clinged to Yuki.   
"Have you taken your medication?"   
"Yes Yuki."   
"Well we better get this over with then," Eiri sighed and they all left the plane. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ten years later…  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It always surprised Eiri when he thought about the past 18 years of his life. Actually it was the last 13 years that really made him think. When he and Shuichi had returned to Tokyo the media has gone completely nuts. They had feasted on the story for a long long time but neither the returning vocalist or Yuki himself had paid it much attention at first. The mission they were facing was more important. Seeing Hiro again for the first time in 2 years had been awful for Shuichi. The auburn haired man had thrown himself around his friend's waist begging any God he could think of to let it be reality and not just another dream. It took Shuichi over an hour to calm him down so that he could explain what he had done and why. Hiro had understood and forgiven even if he had been angry and hurt. But their friendship never got anywhere near being what it once had. The guitarist had always been serious, calm and collected but he had also always been warm and kind, those parts of him seemed to have gone missing. Not that the auburn haired man was mean but he was, just as Yuki had told Shuichi in LA, a shell. Sometimes the vocalist found his friend sitting in a completely dark appartment ripping paper into thin strips while he rocked back and forth. The first time Shuichi had almost panicked, quietly he had asked his friend what he was doing. The auburn haired guitarist had simply answered that each strip represented a tear that he had wanted to shed when he hadn't been able to cry anymore. Shuichi never commented or asked anything about Hiro's state of mind after that. To everybody's surprise the one person that managed to actually talk to Hiro was Yuki. The blonde and the auburn haired man were not alike normally but in the hell Shuichi's death had sent them both to they had been almost identical. To Eiri and Eiri alone Hiro opened up a little. With time the novelist and a shrink managed to get the guitarist to leave his apartment again but the person who used to be Nakano Hiroshi was forever gone and that would torment Shuichi for the rest of his life. Bad Luck recorded two albums with their vocalist's voice a bit hoarser than it had used to. But singing had lost its glory and Shuichi and Hiro were both troubled by preforming live so after the second album the band was dissolved. As for Eiri's and Shuichi's relationship it had survived quite well. It had remained fragile and a little unsure but the love they had for each other held them together in a way that many people didn't find healthy. They were close in a way they had never been before, security was only found when they were physicaly close to each other. Sometimes it almost looked like they were joined at the hip which made quite a few people laugh. But the constant closeness came from fear and was nothing funny at all. Yuki desperatly needed to feel his lover to be sure that he hadn't been taken away again and Shuichi needed it just as desperatly to insure him that his lover still wanted him around, that he wouldn't be pushed away. For someone looking at them from the outside it appeared obvious that the relationship wasn't a happy one but the truth was more complex than that. Happiness can be graded and if the choice stands between being slightly unhappy or devastated the choice is rather obvious. Love is really like a dance on roses, you will step on a torn or two but if the love is strong enough you'll be willing to take the pain. No matter what anyone else thought or said about them the truth was still that in each other the novelst and the former vocalist found what they needed, complete happiness or not. 

Yuki walked out to the kitchen. He took a cloth from one of the drawers and went back to the bedroom. With a loving smile on his lips he caressed his lover's cheek before he put the cloth down and picked up a notepad. For the umpteenth time he read what he had written and nodded.   
"I think it's perfect now don't you Shu?" he asked. His lover didn't answer but Yuki knew that he agreed. Slowly he placed the pad on the bedside table and again picked up the cloth. With great care he polished already shining metal until he could see himself in the reflection. "Well I think everything is ready now. I've called Touma and he'll be here in about two hours, the note is finished… Have I forgotten anything?" Again no answer. Yuki looked around the dark bedroom and thought. His latest and final book was done and just waited for the publisher to be handed it. It wasn't a romance novel like his others, no this was a book about his and Shuichi's time together. "Ah yes of course I do need to call Hiro," the blonde sighed. "I'll be right back." 

Touma pulled his coat tighter around him as he walked towards his brother-in-law's appartment. He had no idea why Yuki had wanted him to come over and it made him feel very nervous. Since that day when Eiri and Shuichi had returned to Japan he hadn't seen neither one of them more than on a handful occasions. Yuki hated him and Touma wasn't surprised even if it hurt. Even after explaining everything to the taller blonde the hate was still there and it had put an end to Eiri's contact with him. With a sigh he entered the building and took the elevator up. The novelist had told him to just come in so when he reached the door he opened it and walked in without ringing the doorbell. The apartment was dark and filled with a sweet nauseating smell. The blonde wrinkled his nose at it and frowned.   
"Eiri-san? Shindou-san?" he asked into the darkness but got no reply. Confused and concerned he crossed the livingroom and looked into the bedroom. The smell was awfull in there. With a frown Touma turned on the lights. He would regret that action for the rest of his life. On the bed laid his brother-in-law with Shuichi resting against his chest. The vocalist face was pale and his closed eyes seemed to be staring up at his lover's face. Yuki's head was tilted to the left, resting almost lovingly against Shuichi's hair, and his eyes were closed. Touma leaned against the door and tried not to throw up. The left side of the bed was more or less drenched in blood and what he understood were the contents of his brother-in-law's head. Eiri's right hand held a gun and beside them was a note. Trembling and fighting the nausea Seguchi walked into the room and carefully picked up the piece of paper. The note was written in neat kanji and adressed to him. He read it slowly and made sure he kept his face turned away from the macabre scene on the bed. 

__

Touma, 

I'm leaving you this note because I think it's fitting that you should find us. Call it revenge if you want to but I'll never forgive you for lying to me instead of telling me what was going on all those years ago. Last night Shuichi had another stroke, it was the second one this year but unlike the other one it was massive. I always thought it would be the TB that finally stole him from me but I suppose fate works in strange ways, at least I know he didn't suffer. It's funny… K was the one who gave Shuichi this gun but I don't think he ever thought it would be used to kill anyone. It was a stupid thing to do anyway. Shuichi would never use a gun but you and I know that I'm quite handy with weapons. This will be the second and last Yuki I kill. I can't help to think that now the circle is finally complete. 

I know most people won't understand why I did this but you know that I can't live without him. It didn't work 13 years ago and I refuse to go through that again. Without Shuichi I have no life and no will to go on. I find myself dreaming sometimes… Dreaming that he would have told me the truth 13 years ago because then we would have had it all. Our love was crippled Touma, much like a bird with clipped wings and I will always blame you for that. I know you think I should blame Shuichi but I can't. He did what he did because he loves me but you what you did because you wanted to take him away from me. That's something I can't forgive or understand. He's the only one that ever made me happy and he's the only one who loved all of me, including my demons. Shuichi gave and gave and gave without ever asking for anything in return and I will always love him for that. I'll follow him anywhere because I'm tied to him, I have been for 18 years and I will stay tied to him forever. I know many people think we should have split up but the truth is that I would never have made it without him and I know all too well that Shuichi would have gone under alone. How do I know this? Because gravitation brought us together and we are lost without each other. Death will not separate us because I won't let it. I will be by Shuichi's side, loving him with all my heart wherever I might be. 

On the table in the kitchen you'll find my book and I want you to hand it over to my publisher. You'll also find papers about how Shuichi and I want things now that neither one of us are alive anymore. I expect you to follow every word of it! You owe me that much Touma. I've called Hiro so he knows everything but I really suggest that you send K over there to take care of the poor man. No one understood how hard this was on him and I'm not just talking about right now. We all failed Hiro 13 years ago and we should all be ashamed of that. That man loves Shuichi more than anything and even if he seems emotionally empty now he's still hurting inside. I know what I'm talking about because I was close to becoming what he is now. For some reason none of us considered Hiro all those years ago which really is unforgivable. Make sure he's cared for it's Shuichi's final request so I expect you to honour it. Well time is up Touma, I don't want to keep my lover waiting any longer. It's too lonely here without him. 

Uesugi Eiri

Touma shakingly put the paper down and hurried into the bathroom where he threw up. The smell of blood seemed to cling to him and made him vomit even harder. Weak and trembling the blonde left the bathroom and went to the kitchen. Just as Eiri had said in his note there was a bunch of papers lying on the table. The top one was instructions for a funeral. A stone had already been made and Touma winced when he saw the inscription Yuki and Shuichi had picked out. 'What Gravitation Brought Together Death Will Not Break Apart'. The slender blonde shook his head with sorrow and hugged the folder containing Eiri's book. Slowly he flipped the pages over until his eyes saw the dedication. 'To Shuichi whom I will love, wherever I might be.' Touma shuddered and for the first time that he could remember he felt tears caress his cheeks. So it was finally over? Shindou Shuichi and Yuki Eiri were both gone, dead. The only thing left was making sure that they were put to rest beside each other as they had wanted. With a sad sigh Touma picked up the phone to call for help. After 18 years he had finally been forced to pay for all his mistakes and the price was so bitter. Perhaps it was what he deserved but somehow that punishment didn't seem to fit the crime. All the same he would honour their final requests just because Yuki had asked him to. With the image of his brother-in-law's mangled head before his eyes Seguchi Touma started explaining what had happened over the phone.

~Owari~

Normally I love happy ending even though I only write angst. But this story is based on a original story of mine and no matter how much I wanted to give it a suger coated ending I strongly feel that this suited the story better. (If you think this story is angsty and sad you should see the real story that's behind it… Trust me this is nothing. I am one mean bastard.) I know that the last chapter seemed a bit rushed and I'm sorry about that. I might decide to change it later on. And one last thing before I let you go… The strokes that Shuichi suffered from had nothing directly to do with the TB, at least not to my knowledge. I have found no facts that suggests that at least. Oh well I hoped you all liked it and I'd be thrilled if you gave me some constructive criticism on it. Arigatou/Atsureki. 


End file.
